fuck this shit

i'm fighting a losing battle.. she seems more happy to spend time with him instead of me. i know i sound like a fuckin despo bitch but where else can i vent my frustration and not be called a pussy? logic says that i should just give up right now.. but beneath logic, there lies hope.. and hope would either get us killed or find our happiness.

for ur eyes only

11 more days.. feelin shitty as usual but trying to persevere. i could have her if i wait. but i could never have her at all if i rushed. what should i do.. goddamnit. i never knew i could've fell so much for a girl before. love sees no beauty nor wisdom, it speaks from the heart.

time through the rain has set me free
sands of time will keep your memory

for your eyes only

12 more days to go.. im stil countin. been waitin for about 3 months now and hopefully i'll get the answer im lookin for. i don need to say what i'd do when she comes back because i don't know what to do either. its just following my intuition ..u know? normally before a soldier goes to war they'd have a plan A , a plan B and sometimes until plan D.. all these strategic maneuvers are useless against the heart.. sometimes i tell myself 'okay do this and u'll make her a bit hurt but yearn for u a bit more' but all those things never turned out the way i wanted it to be. these kind of shit tactics that i teach my friends couldn't work out in my situation maybe because i'm dealing with a uhh.. special girl .. or soemthin like that. u know some typical girls can be predicted quite easily.. but she.. sometimes its easy and sometimes its fuckin difficult. when i'm with her, its easy to predict.. but when she's with someone else then its a different story. i could play the dirty way by going thru her mum but i hate to bring parents into rship issues.. it just isn't fair for the girl if her mum's decision contrasts from hers. everyone told me to wait.. and i'll just wait.. and not make the same mistake that one of my fren did which fucked everything up - waiting for 1 year, and after 11 months he fucked things up on the month before she comes back (i hope u don read dis, u know who u are and u might emo again) . if ma fren can wait 11 months then what's 11 days for me? haha. i know things couldn't pick up from where we left even if we do get back together again, it takes time and if this december is a success, i'll be lookin forward to the next time she comes back, so during that time period we could catch up on things, and share our non-filtered emotions. i'll be lookin at this as a uhh...lesson.. i guess this would be my first major lesson in rship, i never got into such a fucked up position before.

time may change your heart by my heart remains the same to you

for ur eyes only

its been a fuckin long time since i wrote somethin here.

this post is only for yvonne.

yeah we broke up few months ago, and initially i was pissed off with her but after awhile i realized not to put the blame on anyone yet and instead look at what i did. yes i caused a huge mess and i even had the cheek to ask her to come back. she said she wanted to see me change, and i didn't quite understand it that time. i was just desperate to get her back so that i could clean up the mess between us.

after awhile i was impatient, and i decided not to pursue her anymore. i deleted her off my facebook cos i can't stand lookin at her pics cos it hurts me. i tried the forceful way to forget her but shit just gets worse. technically i was a single guy and i can roam wherever i want. but still i couldn't find myself falling for a girl as deep as i did with yvonne.

she was my precious and she is still my precious even after all this while. it's some kind of latent feelings that i had but i never showed anyone because of my ego. yes i see myself as a fucking loser because she's having a bf now, and on the other hand she's saying that she misses me and tellin me that she could see herself being with me in the future. everyone's initial thoughts were that im the backup, and i feel stupid for letting myself being 'used' like that. but it doesn't help my case if i'm thinking like that. i don't blame her for doing so after all the shit i put her through and all the miscommunication.

for me, everything is kinda gone. i threw away everything to get her back. my face, my ego. this is how deep i'm in it for her. all i can say is that i want to take back what is mine as soon as i can, because i don't want the feelings to fade by the time i get her back. i told myself that i'll treat her way better than the shit she's been through last time. i just need her okay for that to happen. people might think i'm stupid for doing this, but i'm just following my heart. sometimes i think with my head and think of the strategic and cruel maneuvers and it ends up fuckin things bad.

i'm going all in for this one last gamble. i've got nothing else to lose.

how much i've been telling my close friends "2 more weeks yvonne come back, 70-80% i'll be back together with her" and right now i hope that it will come true. i guess my friends want it to happen too, because they never seen me as happy as last time before.

yvonne, come back to me it's almost easy.

YO MOTHERFUCKERS.

im back. fucking hell!! what i've been doin for the past few weeks? just burning my fuckin holidays, workin at boring-assed data entry company during July and then now i'm teachin kiddos at a math center in puchong. seriously.. im a math tuition teacher.. for 4-6 year old kids. AHHAHAHA

i'd never imagine myself doin this kinda stuffs, thanks to insanelyunique for helpin me to find both my jobs. geez i never know what i'd do without ur job offers =D

i've been facing a bumpy road lately and for those who don't know, i broke up with yvonne.

but leaving it aside, there's a bigger concern for me - exam result's gona be out in a few days' time, and imma have a well deserved party before taking my results!!

and then there's a new project for me - the '3rd alvinkei revival' commencing soon! its probably time for me to change my image as well, if there is even one to begin with. haha

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These's streets we traveled on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'll do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one PICTURE)

Seize the day or die regretting the time You lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here
Don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

So what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again? Whooooah
So I never want to leave you and the memories OF us to see
I beg don't leave me

like all things in the universe, we are destined from birth to diverge

time is simply the yardstick of the separation

if we are particles in a sea of distance, exploded from an original whole

then there is a science to our solitude

we are lonely in proportion to our years

boring few days.. seriously nothing much to do in my life so far..

past week has just been crazy! drinkin from thurs-sun the previous week, then braving a fever and headache to drink more and more on saturday night and ended with waking up at the seaside at 5am.

but despite the craziness i still feel empty without alcohol. something's missin and im tryin to fill that void

the world is so fake.

things may appear fine on the surface but u don't know what's beneath it.

sometimes you gotta pretend for a better truth.

but it doesnt matter

im gonna be an old man

filled with regret

waiting to die alone

wanted to go back early today, but was stranded in the rain - so even if i went home i would be all wet and i got nothin to do at home since i can't on the comp cos its heavy rain and lightning..

so what did i do?

i went to watch inception AGAIN. this time around, i was looking more at the 'hints' from the actors, as to which dream and whose dream and tryin to figure out some stuffs. its still got me mindfucked, and the more i question the more complicated the thing becomes but there's no definite answer to it.

this is a truly GOOD MOVIE - nobody can understand definitely and the interpretations are left to the viewer. hahaha !

i'll definitely go back for a 3rd round becos the soundtrack is good, the acting is good, and the plot leaves u wondering for urself and what the characters say sometimes intertwine, there must be some relevance to that! i mean, for the 2nd viewing i kinda figured out why the locations already.

yusof's dream - raining becos he forgot to piss before he entered the dream

arthur's dream - at the hotel becos thats the place to find fischer and browning i guess?

eames' dream - snow place becos the hotel room could be fuckin cold

cobb's limbo , when he took ariadne in to find fischer - when he came out of the water the building was crumbling becos he just was enlightened, that he killed Mal and he could've started gettin over mal, that's why the place where he and mal constructed was falling apart, and also could be him feeling nervous and anxious over the importance/crucial part of the mission in getting fischer so that fischer can 'complete' the mission, a mission where cobb's subconscious fucked it up.

during the first viewing i really had no idea why the diff levels of dreams were as such.. it seemed so random. but then again, it could be that ariadne had already designed the levels to be like that, and the weather and condition of the 'level' was just pure coincidence.

seriously, trying to understand this movie is worse than trying to understand my fuckin law books!

woke up this morning, not knowing what to do on a sunday. i felt that this weekend was the slowest to go by.. after a mon-fri hectic work, i needed a really nice BANG to end my week but sadly this weekend was the slowwwwest.

altho had some drinks on saturday nite but 'not doing anything after getting tipsy' is such a waste. ended up going to sleep , flippin around in my bed feeeling high the whole night is NOT a good thing to do.

so i woke up today, and had one of my stupid ideas - watch a movie alone.

because ppl been talkin about this particular movie and sayin its damn good , i rely kenot tahan so i HAD to go and watch it alone so i can concentrate. oh yeah its a mind-fucking movie - INCEPTION.

and the first 15-20mins i was thinkin "WHAT THE FUCK I CAME IN HERE FOR I DON UNDERSTAND ANY SHIT" .. feelin regret that i believed the hype , but up until the middle part of the movie when it slowed down a little, and til the ending i was actually at the edge of my seat. holy fuckin shit it's not just a random hyped up movie, its actually really good!

the newspaper said that, the less u know about the movie before watching it, the better effect it would have on you. and that's exactly the experience i had. and cappy's acting was just brilliant.. he's damn suitable to play the "i have alot of shits in my head" guy , similar to the character he acted in shutter island.

depictions of dreams in the movie is actually farkin true. and actually i just had a dream the night before, and it got me thinking - that the movie's depictions are exactly the kind of things that goes on in my dreams .

i was mindfucked

havent been updating stuff lately.. been busy with work.. now i'm occupying every free time i have to work here n there for some little money.. so far i havent got my pay yet, and hopefully this time i don't blow it on some headporter/nike/evisu shit again like last year. there's so many temptations in the buy/sell forum but this year i've been really disciplined, i think i didn't THINK of buying anything for at least half a year already =D and my work money ain't much too.. i've been workin for 2 weeks already i think. .haha!!

so recently i've been uhh.. doin nothing for my holidays. i went up to genting twice, i like it there.. cool and relaxing (and i didn't play in the theme park).. u know, i saw genting thru a different view when i went up there last month.. last time as a kid, when u think of genting ur just thinkin about the RIDES.. and 3 months ago when i talk about genting, im thinking of getting drunk up there.

and the most recent trip to genting, was perhaps the first time i've been sober in genting. the night wind will chill the shit out of ur dick when you're sober.. having maggi goreng at a mamak in a car park , where the genting wind is blowing straight at ur fucking face. its so awesome.

i didn't go into the casino either.. don't even have money to buy drinks.. u see, the happening 'club' in genting is kinda weird.. they charge u rm12 for cover charge , inclusive 1 glass of beer.. but if u wana buy the same glass of beer at the pub, it costs u fuckin rm22!! weird shit.. usually the cover charge is more exp than the drinks inside, but up there it's the other way round.

so what have i been doin after genting? drink la of course.. every week also drink 2-3 times.. usually it's thurs, fri, sat nite.. or fri and sat nite, then sunday afternoon. nowadays i have a habit of drinkin in the afternoon. haha! and once our session got so epic that ma fren puked in the cybercafe.. now we're kinda banned there.. i dont dare step foot into that cc aredy..

this was uhh.. last week. after ballantine's with damian, sean and jf.. i just HAD to go to jf's house and drink summore black label. u noe what the fuck we mixed with?? looks so purple huh..

u're right... RIBENA =D

then the next day went to cheer 2010.. and fell sick becos i walked under HOT SUN the day after i drank, and after walkin under the hot sun i drank more iced drinks T_T

last night i went to putrajaya with ma parents, duno why they suddenly decided to drive there.. to see some flora festival..

the lighting not bad.. i wana do this to my future house.. but need to maintain properly and the electric bill wil be farking expensive.. i already got a clear example from my aunty's house.. her house also landscape nice nice but after few months electric bill dam KAO, then she off the lights aredy.

duno wat building is that, but the lighting there is dam nice at night.. serene

some of the 'creative works' with the flowers..

and some bonsai.. some of them looks like the 'tree of life' haha

Click here to read Art of Life song review by Gerald Tarrant

What does the name X Japan mean to you?

It probably means as many different things as there are different
kinds of fans, but though X Japan's classification is as a metal band,
the type of music they are most famous for is probably their ballads.
Beautiful and haunting melodies like Tears, Endless Rain, Say
Anything, and (probably the best known to Western fans because of the
X anime) Forever Love revolutionized the music scene in Japan,
bringing a sweeping wave of new types of music previously unknown to
the jrock community.

However, what most fans don't realize is that X Japan's ballads barely
scratch the surface of their talent. There is a reason that X Japan is
called legendary, and it's more than for their trademark metal tunes,
their ballads, or any of their songs that have become more popular
since they've disbanded. X Japan had a depth of musical talent that
has rarely been found in any other band, Japanese or otherwise, and
there are certain songs that exceptionally showcase just how GOOD they
really are. Art of Life is one of those songs.

Released as its own album in 1993, Art of Life is, at just under 30
minutes, the longest song X Japan ever wrote and probably one of the
longest rock songs ever in the history of rock. There is no song in
their repertoire that compares to this tour-de-force. Their song Rose
of Pain from the 1989 album Blue Blood, can be seen as an earlier
predecessor of some of the techniques and melodies that would later
evolve into Art of Life, but even Rose of Pain is much shorter (11:46)
and much simpler. For comparison, Art of Life can be seen as the jrock
counterpart to the legendary rock ballad Stairway to Heaven (1971) by
Led Zeppelin, but longer, more elaborate, and much more intense and
sweeping.

Art of Life is not an "easy listening" song, and it defies so many
well-entrenched traditions of standard rock music that even
well-rehearsed jrock fans might want to put it off for later.
First-time listeners new to the rock ballad genre will work much
better thinking of it as several songs combined into one and coupled
together with transitions in between, sort of like a long train with
many cars strung together to form a single line. Every type of music
that X Japan has ever played can be found in this song: rock, metal,
ballad, piano, symphonic...and a listener should be ready to take all
of this into account at once.

The song begins quite simply, with soft guitar and Yoshiki on piano,
sounding much like a normal X Japan ballad. However, after the first
few seconds, it could easily be mistaken for a classical composition,
as the orchestra slides neatly under the guitars and overwhelms them,
with the piano continuing on in force. Yoshiki is in fine form here.
The classical mood is jarred abruptly with the entrance of Toshi at
about the 1:18 mark with some of the most beautiful lyrics that
Yoshiki has ever written: "Desert rose / Why do you live alone / If
you are sad / I'll make you leave this life / Are you white, blue or
bloody red / All I can see is drowning in cold grey sand." In this
song, Toshi's voice is undergoing its final transformation into the
clear, high tone heard in the album Dahlia, and while it's still
ragged and wild around the edges, it is much smoother than it is in
Rose of Pain. Some people might prefer Toshi's old "metal" voice,
while some others might prefer the smoother ballad Dahlia style. Here
in Art of Life, it is both and neither at the same time. As Toshi
continues, the piano fades and Hide enters with soft plucked guitar.
At the three minute mark, Toshi drops out and Hide, Pata, and Heath
come in in full force, with Yoshiki back on drums in a sweeping,
grandiose, parade-esque continuation of the melody. This is the Hide,
Pata, Heath, and Yoshiki that we all know and love from ballad solos
such as Endless Rain.

At 3 minutes and 30 seconds, the mood changes abruptly and the tempo
flies. This is X Japan as the revolutionary speed metal band. One can
almost imagine Yoshiki behind the drums, shirtless, pounding away at
the set with hair flying. There are some impressive slides by Hide and
Pata before the band settles back into their comfortable "metal mode."
As Toshi enters, it is obvious that this metal part is also an
evolution of earlier metal songs such as Blue Blood. X Japan has by
now lost the raw, youthful sound of their early days. Hide and Pata
are very much in control, playing along perfectly in sync with
Yoshiki's wild drumming, Toshi's passionate yet melodic vocals, and
the underlying orchestra accompaniment, all of which will become a
trademark of X Japan's later "metal ballads" such as Dahlia or even
Hide's Pink Spider. The solo here is standard X Japan metal, as far as
guitarists as talented as Hide and Pata can be called "standard."

It's not an X Japan song without voiceovers, except that here they're
done not by Yoshiki, but a female speaker. The female voiceover segues
into a nice, rhythmic, pulsing harpsichord-sounding keyboard solo,
with the orchestra backing. "Turning away from the wall / Nothing I
can see / The scream deep inside / Reflecting another person in my
heart." The tension builds as the guitars and drums enter, and then
the time signature changes to half-time as Toshi comes in briefly. A
long instrumental chorus follows. Strong bass underlines this entire
section, with the guitars dueling furiously with the drums. The time
signature alternates between 3/4 and 4/4, speeding along towards
Hide's guitar solo at the ten minute mark. Heath has some nice bass in
this solo as well. As Pata enters back in at 10:35, the piece becomes
increasingly more frantic, seeming to gather momentum though the tempo
remains the same, hurtling along, falling and building and falling and
building again till the guitars wail at a high F. The orchestra and
synthesizers become steadily more prominent and it reaches a feverish
pitch where the guitars are not only dueling with the bass and drums
but with the strings as well. The guitars drop to a lower energy level
around the 11 minute mark and the orchestra takes over their part,
weaving their eighth-note runs through the wild dance of Yoshiki's
drumming. This section of the song has definite influences from
classical symphonic composition.

Toshi comes in again for a few bars at 12:40: "Dry my tears / Wipe my
bloody face / I wanna feel me living my life / Outside my walls" and
the song tames down, the orchestra sweeping behind him and the drums
and guitar to once more recreate the epic ballad style. At thirteen
minutes, all this suddenly fades completely, whispering away into the
stillness as a lone viola (it might be a violin but it sounds too
low...correct me if I'm wrong.) enters in what is certainly one of, if
not the, most beautiful instrumental solos that Yoshiki has ever
written. More strings enter as the viola sings in the foreground, and
just as the emotional pull is reaching a height, the female voice over
from the earlier part of the song reenters. "You can't draw a picture
of yesterday, so / You're painting your heart with your blood..." This
sudden speaking voice might be a bit jarring for some people, and
Yoshiki probably meant it to be disconcerting, as the previous mood
set by the viola changes with the background orchestra's shift to
falling arpeggios, building tension. The voice becomes two, then four,
then seem to be whispering from the air all around while everyone
enters in the sweeping slow rock balladic melody from before.

Toshi's voice fades away at fifteen minutes, more dramatically this
time with a only single violin remaining out of the powerful
orchestration that had just pounded out an unforgettable six minutes
of almost total instrumental rock melody. The violin sustains a soft,
yet piercing, high A and then Yoshiki enters on piano.

Yoshiki's piano solo in Art of Life has to be at once one of the most
controversial and brilliant compositions in rock history. Rarely has
anyone come close to Yoshiki's dextrous use of this instrument in rock
composition, and no rock musician that I know of can match his raw
power and talent in playing. The piano solo in Art of Life is about
seven minutes long with no extra accompaniment, and starts out simply
enough with syncopated eighth-note chords in the right hand and single
notes in the left, gaining strength and body as the left hand
gradually enters with both chords and running notes, changing from
eighth-notes to sixteenth-notes and then suddenly a few seconds before
seventeen minutes, repeats itself all over again. Just as it is
starting to become repetitive, you'll notice a little discordance in
the notes. At first, that might be attributed to an overactive
imagination from sitting through the same song for almost twenty
minutes, or even a slip of the hand on Yoshiki's part (I'm sure that's
happened before, even to him), but as the piece draws on, the
discordance becomes more and more apparent, and by eighteen minutes
it's very obvious that Yoshiki is consciously missing notes. The
running melody is still there, but it is slowly pushed back by the
seemingly random notes that intrude in upon what was a beautiful,
simple line. By the nineteen minute mark, it has degenerated into the
fine art of pounding.

The discord has puzzled many an X Japan fan, but if you can get past
the pounding and carefully listen to each note, it'll become quickly
obvious that Yoshiki isn't throwing up his hands in despair and just
playing the piano with his feet (though he might be doing some of
that, who knows...it's Yoshiki, after all). There's a meticulous
quality even in the most discordant of the notes in this solo. You
might have to listen a few times to the solo, taking it as a whole
rather than as two seperate parts, melodic and discordant, to
effectively see the larger picture, but Yoshiki keeps the rhythm of
the solo moving through the entire seven minutes, never stopping,
never pausing, pushing the notes so that they seem to be dripping from
the piano strings. This is piano playing - not just keyboarding or
rock piano playing, but true piano playing at a high quality classical
level. This is the level of professionalism that artists like Gackt
aspire to but haven't reached. (Gackt's piano solo Blue, the c/w of
Mirror, actually sounds like a more amateur version of Yoshiki's Art
of Life piano solo, pounding and all.)

If you listen even more carefully, you'll notice that there are not
two hands, but four in the later part of this piano solo. I don't know
the recording facts about Art of Life, but obviously Yoshiki must have
spent hours in the studio by himself just recording these seven
minutes (I don't even want to know how long it took to record the
whole song). The four piano lines clash with each other in a dance
reminiscent of the earlier dueling of melody lines between the band
members in the metal section. Yoshiki's piano work becomes even more
complicated at this point, with a constant stream of running sixteenth
and thirty-second-notes in all four hands, using the full length of
the keyboard to its full advantage. Yoshiki holds nothing back. He
pulls out all the stops, pouring into the piano rage, grief, hatred,
anger, sorrow, loneliness, passion, hope, joy, and pure ecstasy all at
once. The piano, like his drumming, effectively becomes an extension
of his own body and his own mind here. The music sweeps across the
listener, jarring and painful in its discord, frightingly searing,
almost orgasmic in its pitch.

And then just as the pounding threatens to cause severe brain damage
to all X Japan fans everywhere, Yoshiki lets up. The melody comes
back, flowing softly through the discordant notes bit by bit as the
orchestra enters once more. The random notes fade slowly as the former
melodic line returns in a more refreshingly pompous state with the
strings bolstering it, soaring to new heights. The piano gradually
fades back into the background and then it is just strings, just as it
was in the beginning. A swelling run up the keyboard (and maybe harp?)
segues into a single-note rendition of the melody by the treble
strings and a strong, solid bass line underneath. The orchestra slows
and stalls at a fermata at 24 minutes, and then...

It's X Japan. The familiar metal is back. Gone is the experimental
piano and orchestra as if they'd never been, and Yoshiki's drumming,
Hide's and Pata's harmonies, Heath's bass, and Toshi's vocals are like
old friends to our ears. A hint of the discordant piano remains, as
does the orchestra, but only faintly and far between, to remind us of
what we've just experienced, but as the melody rises and swells to a
grand chorus, all that seems far away. The piano was the cry of the
song, but this is the meat. This is X Japan at their peak.

The tempo changes to a majestic half-time at 27 minutes. The piano
enters once more with full, deep chords, and the guitars swell in a
final arc and Toshi sings the last verse of the song: "Art of life /
An eternal bleeding heart / You never wanna breathe your last / Wanna
live / Can't let my heart kill myself / Still I'm feeling for / A Rose
is breathing love / in my life." As he sings "life," the background
instrumentation suddenly drops away and the last note of the song is a
sustained C against silence.

Art of Life is a song about life, about despair and surrender
combating against eternal hope and light, about humans struggling to
survive in a world which may seem like a desert at times. Yoshiki's
piano solo emphasizes this to perfecting, with the battle of
discordant notes against each other while the melody struggles to be
heard. It can be even taken as a story of the journeys of the
different members of the band to make it to where they stood then, at
the pinnacle of their careers and probably the most legendary Asian
band of all time. The song could even more appropriately be compared
to a poem or a novel. To describe Art of Life in only one or a few
words would be to detract from the myriad rainbow of elements that
come together to make this song the masterpiece that it is, but if one
word had to be chosen, it would probably be the word that is used most
often to describe X Japan: "Legendary."

That is not to say that there are not weak points in this song. Some
of the sections drag on just a little bit too long. There are parts
which are jarring, parts which could have been toned down, parts which
could have been fine-tuned to produce even a more vivid effect. But
all that pales in comparison to the work of art that Art of Life
really is. It is easy to say that Yoshiki outdid himself on this song,
but really, it wasn't just Yoshiki, but also Toshi, Hide, Pata, Heath,
and all the musicians in the backing string orchestra who put their
hearts into making this epic.

Again, this is not easy listening. Don't listen to Art of Life unless
you're ready to immerse yourself entirely in the story of this song,
but you won't be disappointed if you evaluate it as a genre all to
itself. Art of Life is probably the greatest legacy that X Japan has
left to us.

and another review here

fuck me fuck you fuck everything.

u know, exam's over, and i can't really find any reason to RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR at anything already. last time we're like RAWR FUCK EXAMS FUCK LAW but yesterday met up with ma niggas and seriously we're like.. fuckin drugged subdued tigers.

we're just sitting there.

chillin.

no rawrs..

FUCK THIS SHIT. i hate feeling like this. this is what happens a week after the exam's over. everyone is goin thru the same shit. when you're in a 'battle' with ur books for about 9-10 months then suddenly everything is over, u feel like you're having a hangover. like there's nothin really important goin on nowadays.

exam's over. but i stil dont feel the excitement ......................... YET.

waitin for friday. gonna be a fuckin blast. THATS when the real celebrations start.

feel a sudden rush of emptiness. when the battle is over, there's nothing much left to do.

actually there is - my fucking piano diploma exam. goddamn

one stressful thing over, then comes another stressful thing.

got drenched in the rain today for 30minutes waitin for a fucking taxi in bukit jalil. about 10 of em which were empty didn't wana stop for me. those cocksuckers. i dont wana get sick so soon. at least let me hold it till the end of this week.

my mum was goin thru my books and shit, and some old stuff fell out. ARGH..

im goin round n round in circles. i feel empty. messed up. like my head is goin 99 different directions.

thinking about this morning, when i woke up to go for exam. u see, when i go for exams i have this strict ritual that i must follow.

1. wake up at 5am

chill and relax. pick the clothes that would make me feel good in the exam

2. take a pit stop at the usual place

with a plate of THE USUAL maggi goreng. u see, this maggi goreng is not any other maggi goreng. this place is when i could just walk in the front door of the mamak, and just use my fingers to show 'ONE' to the mamak dude and he'll know what i'm having. i dont need to instruct him how i want my maggi to be fried, cos im such an awesome regular there =D

3. take the monorail to the exam hall.

this is the most crucial part of the ritual. during the monorail ride, i must NOT hold any papers relating to the exam subject. i CANNOT read or do last minute memorizing. and i MUST have my earphones with me blasting the fuck out Dir en Grey songs and other metal/hard hitting rock songs. this is the part where it keeps me calm and prepared.

4. reach the exam hall.

i must NOT hold any papers. and i have to walk around, looking for friends, or hanging around people who are holding papers and memorizing or discussing about some cases or shit. trying to memorize last minute wouldn't help for me.. but leeching info from other ppl's last last last minute studying reaps great benefits.

5. during exam time.

i MUST have at least 2 toilet breaks. the pattern must be fixed as well.

a) one after the 2nd question, one after the 4th(last) question

or

b) one after the 1st questtion, one after the 3rd question.

and i CANNOT go to the toilet when i'm in the middle of doing a question. it'll disrupt my rhythm.

i. am. so. fucked.

FUCK why do they have to remake good shows !!!

imma talkin about The Karate Kid. rememberin the times when we were young, watchin karate kid on tv3.. i was like jumping and kicking and punchin thin air whenever the guy busts some moves. and i still remember the epic ending kick !! that show was my dream movie when i was a kid, hoping to learn karate and have a cool old teacher who forces me to train with chopsticks. haha!!

^ i still remember this stance.. i also forgot whats the name of the stance, but its the stance he used to do that epic final kick on the opponent during the final competition. stil remembered his leg was broken or something like that, he stil managed to kick the shit out of his opponent!!

i stil can't forget this movie.. stil remembered that there was one scene about raining n thunderstorm or somethin.. but i think tat was karate kid 2 or 3 i dont know which. haha

but this new karate kid. omg la why got jackie chan one !! =( nobody is good enuf to replace mr miyagi !!!

oooh JUNE !!!

cant believe its one fuckin year already .

that night.. where i puked on long island in my mum's car and went to exam 2 days after was stil fresh in my mind. HAHA.

and kesian those ppl who i pao the coke from.

and that fat guy wich jf said i say hi to him n hug him wtf .

i can't fuckin remember any shit on that wasted night =\

oh anyways. its been awhile since i wrote about anything at all. lemme ask u one question..

HOW MANY KINDERGARTENS U BEEN TO?

i've been to three. three fuckin kindergartens when i was young. haha. first it was Sunshine, behind my house, then it was Grace Community and then Peter & Jane. i was a fuckin angel in sunshine, but i became a devil once i entered Grace.

the highlight of my kindie life was definitely in P&J. i remembered this one kid, he used to have drippy mucus.. u know that slimy shit comin out from the nose. yeah it fuckin hangs there on his nose. god knows if he's retarded, but he annoyed the shit out of everyone near him. even the teachers, sometimes his mucus would drip on the teacher's hand/clothes and the teacher can't even scold him or anything.

so one day he came to me, "watcha doin?" while his mucus starts to drip.

he wipes the mucus off with his hand.

and

wipes his hand on me.

MOTHERFUCKER I FLEW AT HIM THAT FUCKIN SON OF A BITCH.

and that was the first time in my life, taking up a wooden chair and beating his fucking face. the sense of satisfaction shot up to my head and i felt so damn fucking happy for the first time in my kindie life before the teacher dragged me away. (oh yeah i was sent out of the class for 1 period and my parents were never even notified)

i miss my kindie life. and i still remembered that time when some dude gave me a paper star.. u know this kinda paper stars they called 'lucky stars'

i thought it was chocolate inside. so i was trying to unwrap it.. found an opening, started unfurling it slowly, hoping that there's choco inside since the middle felt quite solid.

open open open.

motherfucker!! NOTHING INSIDE!!! then i thought i was conned by my fren. so i went back to him and scold him "wei !! u give me nothing inside de!!! where the chocolate???" and i pushed him and whack him and we ended up fighting.

HAHAHHA! i love my kindie days.