a▓▓▓▓▓ is ..

i had those rare moments where i sit down and reminisce about my past and recollecting memories today. well, obviously all of em are bad ones. though there are good ones, but somehow i tend to remember the shitty ones clearly.

and then i asked myself, what made me like this, and how come my mindset can change so drastically over time? is it because i'm still in the growin up stage and i don't really see my real self? am i just hiding inside a shell and showing the world a side of me that i built up just to lead people to believe that's my true self?

don't know who i really am as well.

sometimes i look into the mirror, telling myself what i want to be, and what i should be. and i try to build myself towards that ideal person i have in mind. but once i'm that person, i start thinkin, is this who i want myself to be? then i look at the people around me, and wonder why can't i just be normal like them? people who aren't crazy about something, they just live their life without much worries, except about worryin for their studies. it's like in their mind it's 80% studies and 20% other things. whereas for me, it's the other way round.

why am i thinkin of getting things that i shouldn't really get at this age? stuffs like earning some extra pocket money just to satisfy my craving for partyin, shoppin, and expensive stuffs? yea obviously i'd like to live the expensive life and wonderin how lucky those rich kids are.. i wish to be like them too. but problem is my parent's ain't letting me live my life like that, so the only thing i can do is to earn extra pocket money just to live my life like that. so this kinda classifies me as part-crazy right.

most of the things i do.. i still don't understand, and can't differenciate whether am i doing it because i really enjoy it, or am i doing it just for the sake of "I CAN DO THIS", or just for bragging rights. till now, i can't differenciate.

sometimes i turn around and look at the words on my back.. they used to carry meanings for me.. but nowadays i look at it.. and don't find any inspiration. they seem so blank.

somehow.. i find a normal life mundane.. i can't see myself being a normal kid going regularly for classes, revising regularly, taking part in healthy activities like sports or beneficial societies or gatherings, going for choir practise, being active in religious activites, having a healthy hobby maybe like photography, having a proper association to relate to maybe like scouts or LEO or interact..

it all just don't appeal to me.

why?

i start to believe that i'm having split personality shit going on.. sometimes i love myself until i feel like celebrating for myself, sometimes i hate myself til i just wana run away from this mess. maybe i'm just young.

but that reason won't be valid any longer.. because i need to learn to grow up.. need to have a stable thinking, know my principles in life, and working towards my future.

right now i'm studyin law, and i know some of my friends are workin part time in law firms during their holidays to broaden their knowledge in the field they're studyin in. well not just law, even my other friends, they're workin towards their study field and career. but somehow, i don't find any interest in workin in a law firm. i just want something exciting.. something which can earn more money.

today i told my friend, "i work for that 101 haircare.. only get rm80 per day"

she said, "ONLY rm80? not bad worrr... "

me : "not bad meh?? so little weih"

her : "huh? then how much u want at least?"

me : "so little la rm80.. rm200 per day only sounds acceptable"

u see.. some people are just so satisfied to get rm80 per day.. but not me.

why am i expecting so much..

and why am i expecting so much from myself as well..

i know it's going to cause my downfall one day.

but for the moment.. just let me dream.